I hate the New Year. The time between Christmas and my birthday is consistently frustrating and frequently painful. It isn’t about getting older. That I don’t mind. It is about how I hate it as an aspiring chef. How I get a pasta maker, or a rolling pin, or some fantastic new pancake mix, only to not use them because everyone is on some form of diet or resolution. I hate it because people indulge up until Christmas, and by the New Year they have a list of what they are giving up for the New Year, which makes them miserable…just in time for my birthday. It is how I hate trying to find a way to meet everyone’s resolution requirements for lunch. It is how people seem to be less merry and more stressed. And this year I hate it because my feelings were crushed.

Poncho, I love you more than you can possibly imagine. I have wept the nights you went to bed without an appetite because of a cold or teething. I have defended your nap time and lobbied for time spent with family. This year, I let someone hurting me get to me, and by default, you. I have, and always will, be an advocate for your well being. But I let something get past me. This year, lots of people came our for the holidays. Unfortunately, due to many circumstances and decisions, we did not get to see them. Chief among them was the decision for our family to spend time with other family and not include us. I am sorry you had to see me cry like that. I am sorry to bring that energy home. And I am eternally sorry that a decision like that was made. I have, and will continue, to do my best to protect you from people who want to hurt you. I just never imagined it would be people who we are related to. And when my birthday went wholly unnoticed, I tried to be strong. I tried to not let it affect me that my own family went out of town and were too “hectic” to offer a half-assed text wishing their own child a happy birthday. I wish I could be stronger for you. And that is why I wrote a letter. A letter telling these individuals that I simply cannot take this treatment anymore, because it is affecting you. What is most unfortunate is that it even needs to be said. I never thought this is how family treated one another. But it is time for me to be mama bear and protect myself to protect you. You are so amazing and my days need to be spent soaking up your smiles, giggles and watching you learn. Not negotiating my emotional well-being because of someone else’s lack of compassion or awareness. So, on this sleepless night, I swear to you that I am putting an end to this one way or another. You will not be a pawn. I will not use your presence to negotiate what I want, mostly because that is obscenely insane and what I want should not be too much to ask for. I love you, and I swear on my grave that I will NEVER do what was done to me these past few weeks. I want you to want to spend time with me and I want you to know I will make that a priority. I want to teach you independence and will never punish you by allocating my time to people who only use me for things they are too lazy to do for themself. I will not ever forget your birthday or give some half-assed, lame excuse that things were too “hectic” for me to make a call to wish you a happy birthday, because despite me being fully aware for the last 28 years that your birthday is the SAME DAY every year, I decided it was ok to go out of town and either forget or actively decide to not contact you. I will never make plans with family and not invite you, especially around the holidays and most especially when you have barely gotten to see that family. I will do my best to be aware of how my actions are vastly different from what I say and I will value the time we plan; specifically by not calling to cancel because someone called and needs something from me. If I am near where you live when you are on your own, I will make an excuse to come and see you…not the other way around. I will do my best, every day, to show my love thru actions and not empty words. I will always make you feel loved, even if it embarrasses you sometimes. I will come meet you for lunch, even if I don’t eat because I’m not feeling well. I will call you on even a somber day to let you know I love you. I will tell you stories and show you videos of when you were little. I will always try to be better and will do everything I can for you out of insane love.

We may not see some people for a while, and that may be because I expressed my feelings. Unfortunately, where feelings are involved, many of us fail to see eye-to-eye. Especially when feelings are hurt and the responsible party isn’t interested in signing their handiwork. It is not my intention to keep you from seeing them, seeing as they have pretty effective done that for themselves. I fear this make make it worse, if that is even possible. I can only hope this is a minor bump on the road. And I’ll do my best to make sure you are bear-hugged so the bump doesn’t wake you. I love you.